Saturday, November 19, 2011

Ch-Ch-Ch Chia

Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight... Beta'd by HollettLA

Submission for: The Pineapple Awards
"The Best of the Worst Lemons" contest,
Oh God, this is horrible, but it's supposed to be, right?

Summary: Bella, dying to lose her virginit, asks her buddy Emmett - a very open homosexual male - for help. Humor, NO romance. Bella/Emmett. BAD LEMON WARNING, butthen that's the point. Please enjoy! 

"Ch-ch-ch Chia."

In all of her seventeen years on this planet, Bella Swan had never seen a penis. She’d seen them on television and even in some pornographic film she stole from her father's DVD player, but she never saw the real-deal Holyfield.

All of her friends were having sex and gawking at penises, and yet she was not.

And that fact alone sent Bella into a whirlwind of depression.

She needed to see the cock; she needed to have one inside of her, and she was through waiting for love.

Now, Miss Swan—who also suffered from severe anxiety—was very nervous about losing her virginity. So, she did what any normal, curious girl would do.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Swan took a small, travel-size bottle of shampoo and broke her own cherry. It wasn't as painful as she thought it would be, but she did bleed, and that put her mind at ease. She didn't want her first time to be painful. She also didn't care who it was with.

She enlisted the help of her childhood friend, Emmett—a very open, homosexual male.

He wasn't interested at all—even if he was thoroughly curious about "the pussy", himself.

He agreed, after she promised to wash his Jeep and give him fifty dollars after.

And that's how she found herself, lying stock-still and naked in her bed one day after school—covered by a heavy quilt, of course.

" it." She closed her eyes tightly and braced herself for the cock.

Emmett sighed. "I know you don't expect me to just jump right in there." He snapped his fingers.

"Think about Edward; I will." Bella said, and she did. She began to think about Edward, the most gorgeous, unattainable guy at their school: his disheveled hair, green eyes, and handsome face.

"Well, if I squint my eyes closed tightly—no, I don't think this is going to work." Emmett said.

Bella leaned up on her elbows and stared down at herself. "Is it me? Am I that hideous?"

Emmett shrugged. "You're okay..."

"Just—just make it big and then put it in me...wear a condom though...I mean, you don't even have to kiss me, just put it inside of me." Bella shrugged. "And you said I could see it." She looked to his crotch.

Emmett looked put out when he unraveled his lace scarf from around his neck and began to undress. He did it quickly while Bella watched.

She stared, fascinated, and longed for the big reveal, or in Emmett's case—just the reveal.

Emmett's dick was small, sad and ugly looking. "See?" He pointed.

Bella grimaced. "Do they all look like that?"

He shook his head no. "My parents, they didn't want to get me circumsized—they agreed that it would be my choice." He stared down at his own dick. "I like it—it has its own casing."

"Um...can you peel it back, and let me" Bella pointed and waited patiently as Emmett began to peel the foreskin away from his flaccid penis.

Bella's mortified expression intensified when there wasn't much underneath all that skin. She didn't know what to think as it began to grow in size too. Emmett not only peeled the skin back, he brought it back down, and away again—until he grasped his baloney-pony and threw his head back. A sigh escaped his lips, as Bella's lips were parted—this time, she marveled at what he was doing. No longer was she horrified, because she hated to admit that the sounds of pleasure coming from Emmett did something to her. His grunts, his groans, and just . . . how big that fucking thing got, filled her stomach with an odd anticipatory feeling.

She thought about the Chia Pet commercial.


Right before her eyes, Emmett's cock just grew larger and larger.

"I think I'm ready." Emmett blew out a breath.

Bella nodded and closed her eyes again before she threw herself back down. "Tell—tell me before you do it."

"Bee, I think it would be easier for me if you were um...on all fours?" he asked. "And if you could slump down, and maybe cover your head with a pillow—that'd be awesome."

"Right." Bella breathed with a new shakiness to her voice. She pulled the quilt to cover her body, and crawled to the middle of the bed. She made sure her whole body continued to stay covered as she pulled the blanket away from her ass. "How's this?"

"What?" Emmett asked.

"How's this?" she said a little louder.

"Perfect...I'll tell you when—hey, you have any lotion?"

Bella quickly stuck her head out to point at her chest of drawers. Emmett, without missing a beat, waltzed over to grab her bottle of Jergens. He brought the bottle back over to the bed, dug a condom out of his nap sack, and lost his wood.

"What are you doing?" Bella waved her ass in the air.

"This is a lot of pressure, okay? You're cleaning my room, too."

"Fine." Bella grumbled. "Just hurry up."

With a few quick flicks with his wrist, Emmett was ready to go again. He placed the condom on rapidly, dumped some Jergens into his palm, and stared curiously at Bella's asshole. He noticed that there was another hole right below it and knew that was his target.

He slapped the lotion down onto his cock anyway. He had heard from the guys at school just how wet girls can be, but he didn't want to risk it with Bella. He thought he was better safe than sorry in this case. He was used to blow jobs and had never experienced "back-door" fucking, but he knew that the rectum was not a self lubricating vessel.

Plus, Bella Swan wasn't like most girls their age. She carried herself like a librarian, chewed her hair, and watched people. He knew she was different, and he also heard some jock say, "I bet Swan's pussy feels like sandpaper", and Emmett did not want to rub his junk on some sandpaper.

He leaned into her slowly and was met with resistance.

"'re pulling on my fucking pubes!" Bella shouted.

Emmett groaned. "Get out the fucking weed whacker and take care of it...Sorry." He covered his mouth. "Do you still want me to do this?" Emmett stared down again, more determined than ever. He, too, had his own curiosities.

"Yeah, just put in already." She wiggled her ass again. "But be quick about it."

Emmett gulped, grabbed the base of his cock, and pushed into her again. Bella, in turn, reached below herself and tried to direct him. He kept hitting her folds and her hood but continued to miss the main target.

On the fifth try, Emmett's member was aligned with Bella's sandpaper snatch. She felt it, braced herself again, and pushed back.

He entered her slowly, while an awestruck gasp came from his lips. Meanwhile, Bella didn't make a sound. It didn't hurt—since that shampoo bottle had been used more than once—she only felt full.

"Okay, move or something." Bella poked her head out, and Emmett was quick to cover her head again. "Go crazy—pretend I'm Brad Pitt." She disguised her voice the best she could and brought it down to a low baritone. "Oh, Emmett," she said, and then snickered. "What are you waiting for?"

Emmett didn't know what to do. He had never felt anything as warm, as wet, and as tight as Bella's cooter. He was afraid to move—afraid to do anything. He also liked the new tone to her voice.

Emmett still wasn't moving, and Bella grew impatient. She began to move herself against him. She felt him go in and out, in and out, and on the sixth round—she felt Emmett grasp her ass and enter her as deep as he could.

"Edward…" he groaned, going a bit slower as he panted and leaned on top of Bella.

"Get out." She kicked him and crawled away from him. When she sat down, she felt victorious. She’d had sex.

And sadly, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

The end...


  1. OMG - That was absofuckinglutely hilarious!!!! Shampoo bottle, Jergen's, sandpaper, pubes, cooter - hell it was all just fabulous. Plus it was really HARD for me to keep my brain fully connected to the fic with all the glorious "cocks" around!!!! Emmett would love to read on this site.

    Lexi you are amazing. I'm willing to bet you write something about tofu and make into something sexy as hell!!

  2. I am laughing my ass off. This is just crazy. "Make it Big".
    Lexi, you can write any thing and make it amazing.